No one knew them but you. You may not have even told anyone you were pregnant yet. And there is a third thing, one almost nobody says out loud. You may be quietly wondering if your body did something wrong.
That thought is a heavy thing to carry alone. It is also very common. Many people who miscarry feel a private conviction that their body failed at the one thing bodies are supposed to be able to do, even when a doctor tells them it was not their fault, even when they know, in their head, that miscarriage is far more common than the world lets on. The body-level shame does not always listen to the facts.
So the loss gets folded in with a feeling that something is wrong with you, and both stay hidden together. You do not tell people, because telling means saying "I lost the pregnancy" and then bracing for the follow-up thought you cannot say out loud: and I think it might be because of me.
It may not be about you at all. Miscarriage can involve male-factor causes, or nothing anyone did, or a combination no one will ever fully be able to name. That does not always make the shame go away, on either side. Couples sometimes carry it in parallel, each one privately wondering if the reason is them, neither one saying so. So the two people who could most understand what this feels like end up quiet with each other, too.
The silence around your loss is not because it was small. The silence is because grief and shame got knotted together, and shame is very good at keeping you quiet.
Your body did not betray you. It is carrying a loss most people around you cannot see, on top of a story you have been told to keep private. Of course that feels lonely.
You did not do this to yourself. You do not owe anyone your silence to spare them a conversation they do not know how to have.
If you're in crisis right now, this page can wait. Call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) to reach a trained counselor, any hour, any day.
If a moment like this hits tonight, WithYou is here to talk it through.
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Open WithYou
Written by Dr. Monica Simon, LMFT
About WithYou
An app for the hours when grief hits and no one else is awake
You can talk about the person you lost as much as you need to, without worrying you are too much. You can capture memories before they fade. You can find grounding practices for the moments you cannot breathe. It works on any phone, and there is nothing to schedule.
Open the appIf you are in immediate crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. WithYou is a support tool, not a substitute for professional care.